Zelda in Plunderland
by Dark Firaga Productions
Summary: Oh noes! Zelda has fallen down a rabbit hole! Yes, it is a Zelda version of Alice in Wonderland. Crack. UNCENSORED: contains swearing and nuggets.


Zelda in Plunderland: UNCENSORED!

Once upon a time there was a little land in the middle of little nowhere. In the middle of the little land, there was a little town, surrounded by lots of little trees and little bushes and little bunny rabbits that pooped all over everyone's little cabbages and little kings, 'cause that's what everyone lived like here.

In one little house, there lived a little princess named Zelda. One night, she had a very strange little dream. She was walking through the little town when suddenly Nayru the goddess came down from Goddessland to speak to her.

"Zelda, you must enter the Little forest and find the Little White Rabbit"

"Why?" Zelda thought the only things rabbits were good for was pooping on cabbages and kings.

"because I told you to." Said Nayru.

Suddenly she disappeared and Zelda woke up.

Well, since Zelda felt like eating some cabbages, she went outside to walk to the cabbage patch. Sometimes there were kids there.

On her way, Zelda tripped over a fridge and fell into a rabbit hole. She fell for about two hours before she landed on a table at the bottom. (the table was made of foam cubes so she had a soft landing)

Zelda looked around. She was in a room with only one tiny door at the bottom. Which was stupid because nothing could fit through that.

"OOOH!" a voice sounded behind her. "IM LATE! IM LATE TO SEE THE QUEEN!"

Zelda turned around. A white rabbit, wearing the cutest green hat, was dancing around in little circles muttering about being late. He had a pocket watch which was made out of a fairy sandwiched between two clawshots.

"Dear Hylia! How could I be late!?" the rabbit ran to Zelda, "you! Sexy lady! Is there a door in here?"

Suddenly the rabbit realised he was talking to Princess Zelda of the Overworld

"oh dear princess. I beg your pardon." The rabbit took Zelda's hand in his own and kissed it like a kiss-ass. "My name is Link Rabbit. But my friends call me White. I am from the noblest oh stuff this. Alright chika just tell me where the door is."

Zelda pointed to the tiny little door she had seen before.

"thank ya baby! Damn, you're one hot mama! If I do say so myself."

Link ate some fudge that spontaneously appeared on the foam-cube table. He shrunk to the size of my toenail and went through the door.

Zelda, who was very smart, ate some of the magic shrink-you fudge. She shrunk to the size of my toenail and went through the door… as well.

POOS! Its locked. Well that sucks. Zelda decided she had to find the boss key, as this was obviously a boss door and the rabbit was the boss. Like in Snowpeak. But she also hoped the White Rabbit wasn't another freekin BLIZZETA… that would suck.

A Chu fell from the ceiling and obliterated into a puddle of Chu jelly. Zelda thought the key was in there. She obviously never played Legend of Zelda before… she drank the Chu jelly, not bothering to think if she swallowed the key she wouldn't get it for 4-6 hours.

WHOA! Suddenly Zelda was HUGE again! AWESOME!

Zelda did not think so. She went all emo and cried everywhere because her life honestly sucked, after being captured by Ganondorf and the rest about a bajillion times. I mean, what happened to running away? Is that not good enough for her? Zelda remembered it did not occur to her at the time and felt even worse about being such a n00b. Then she felt so alone because nobody liked her. Except that horny Link rabbit. But he was late and did not have time for Zelda. Her tears turned into WATERFALLS.

She cried so hard the room filled up with water and she was washed away out of a hole in the roof she hadn't noticed because she is such a n00b. For some reason, she also just noticed she was on a life raft. CONVENIENCE.

She floated for a while, mentally noting all the animals that floated past. Animals? I thought this was an ocean… of tears… Zelda's n00by tears…

Tout a coup, a mouse saw Zelda crying. She swam over. "Hey! Little Girl!"

Zelda looked at the mouse. Well it was practically a ball of light with giant mouse ears and a long tail. And its wings were paws. It honestly looked all wonky, and not like a mouse nor a fairy at all.

"Hey! I'm Navi! And you're in a sea of your own tears" said the wonky Fairy-Mouse named Navi.

"I'm Zelda and I'm lost" replied Zelda. She went to bawl again.

"Hey! Listen! You're a n00b, aren't you?" said Navi, "here, lets go to the shore"

Soon they washed onto the shore. A whole bunch of half drowned animals were waiting.

"Hey, listen!" said Navi, "how about we have a Caucus race to dry off?"

So they had a caucus race. I don't know what that is as I haven't done enough research but hey, it's a crack fiction for a reason.

"So, Zelda," said Navi in the middle of this 'caucus race', "Hows your life"

"Otherwise fine," said Zelda, thinking of a song. A wonderful song, I'm sure you're familiar with it. "I have a Remlit though. She likes to hunt birds and butterflies."

All the animals crapped themselves and fled. Scary things seemed to them be Remlits. Scary things was the Author's grammar skills. Zelda looked at the fleeing animals. Why had they fled? Were they all cowards? I guess the animals just don't like Remlits. Well now Zelda was alone again. But she didn't want to cry a SEA again so began to walk.

She walked through some weird forest. It had lots of weird things. So many that Zelda thought she was "trippin in the middle of the Silent Realm with the goddesses manipulating her mind and feeding her goron guts", to quote herself. One of those weird things was a bunch of happy little pansies (flowers) with faces on them that laughed at her when she walked past them. They reminded her of Deku Babas. Only these flowers didn't try to eat you or slaver vomit-acid all over your shoes.

A creature hopped out into Zelda's path. LINK THE WHITE RABBIT!

"Hey Link!"

Link the rabbit turned to look at Zelda, "what? Who the Demise are you?"

Zelda blinked. Was he as stupid as he is late? Obviously.

"Ah! Clarice!" Link suddenly exclaimed. "Yes, you are late too. Go to my house and get my things"

Zelda gave him the 'WHA?' face. What was this guy on? Was he abusing Happy Pansies? Chu jelly? The Caucus race? What was WRONG with this rabbit!?

"HURRY UP!"

Link the rabbit then proceeded to kick Zelda in the hiney which sent her flying into Link the Rabbit's house. Zelda fell through the open sunroof and looked around. The house looked all funny. All the walls were rainbow and the objects in the house were made of either fairies smooshed into stuff or bones of bokoblins. Zelda stumbled over something big and heavy. A moblin rug lay on the floor, its ugly mouth agape. Creepy… not as creepy as the Zora floating upside down in the giant fish tank at the far wall though. Wait… RALIS!?

Suddenly there was a bottle of liquid on a table made of a goron. It had no label on it. The bottle, not the table. The table clearly had 'table' written on one of its legs.

Zelda thought it would be fun to try the drink to see what it was. Come on, Zelda, an unmarked bottle of liquid on a table made of a goron in front of a wall painted with Goddess knows what in a house filled with weird taxidermy objects in a low-brow surrealist style setting? You really are a n00b.

Zelda had a ditzy moment and drank it anyway. As you do.

Zelda grew big again. Like that was unexpected. But the problem is, Zelda's huge, the house hasn't grown, now she's stuck. She felt a chill as she brushed past a very lifelike statue of Skull Kid. She felt a second chill as it brushed past her.

Link the Rabbit then decided to make a comeback in the story. He entered. But then saw Zelda and made nuggets all over the floor on the moblin rug.

"UGH! THAT RUG WAS HARD TO MAKE!" he screamed, having a tanty on his rug and his nuggets. He raced outside to find the animals. Perhaps if they threw stuff at her, she'd get out! His brain was the size of his nuggets after all.

Well. This was a predicament. Zelda, giant, stuck in a house. Wait, I've already been through this.

MEANWHILE…

Link returned… whoops Link the Rabbit returned with all the animals. They all carried magic rocks that turned into cake if you threw them hard enough. They couldn't find any others, OK!?

They threw the rocks at the house.

BACK WITH THE PROTAGONIST…

Zelda heard drumming. Suddenly a whole lot of cakes flew through the window and landed at her feet. She wondered why they were throwing cakes. Oh well. They looked tasty. Except the ones that fell onto Link's nuggets.

"Please stop throwing cake!" she called.

"Eat the cake!" came a voice, "they will make you shrink!"

Zelda looked up to see the Zora that was floating upside down in the giant fish tank looking at her while still floating upside down in the giant fish tank.

"Eat the cake and run!" called the Zora, "you don't want to end up like… ME! Or poor Skull Kid there. Or Darbus, he was a good Goron… and now he's an even better coffee table…"

Zelda shoved all the cake she could in her mouth. She shrunk down so quickly she had to vomit out the excess cake before her shrinking stomach exploded from too much cake.

"Run!" cried Ralis I mean the Zora floating upside down in the fish tank, "and if you ever see the Zora's, tell them I, King Ralis, am dead. I'll never get out of here, but you can! RUN!"

Zelda ran as fast as she could out the window. There was no way she was staying any longer. Poor Ralis… and Skull Kid. and Darbus. and that Moblin who is now a rug and covered in Link nuggets. And whatever else that crazy Link the White Rabbit has in his possession.

Zelda was in the forest again. But that didn't stop her. She ran a good 438 km before she had to stop from exhaustion.

"Greetings!" said someone behind Zelda. Oh Hylia not another…

Zelda turned around. Then regretted it. Two little fat men were watching her. Both of them had skin of night-black, both were chubby and wearing sailor-suits, but one wore a mask that looked like a vagina with breasts and the other's head was on fire.

"Greetings again!" said the one who hadn't spoken before.

"I am Tweedlezant!" said the one with the mask.

"I am Tweedlemise" said the one with the fire head

"We are Tweedlemise and Tweedlezant" they both said in unison.

Zelda was feeling creeped out. Tweedlemise and Tweedlezant weren't even supposed to be in this story. Both Tweedlemise and Tweedlezant realised this.

"oh sorry," said Tweedlemise, "we are not supposed to be here"

"But first," said Tweedlezant, "let us tell you a story!"

They both spoke in unison again, "its called the Walrus and the Carpenter!"

Zelda did not know what a walrus or a carpenter were. "Can I hear a different one? Or better yet, can I hear one some other time?"

"Oh the stories must be told now" said Tweedlemise, suddenly sounding very… very… creepy.

Tweedlezant created a whole bunch of things that looked like his vagina-looking mask appear around them. Zelda would've wet herself, but she had better bladder control than that.

"Very well," said Tweedlezant, "we shall tell you the story of…"

"TWISTIES!" they both said.

So they told the story alternating with every new paragraph. Tweedlemise began…

_Athletics day was really boring. Nonny, Nosila and Kipper were sitting on the steps beside the PE office drooling over that cute dog from that movie when..._

"_BANG" Nonny shouted, as the starting gun had broken._

"_Well... Get going!"_

"_...Nah. I don't FEEL like it."_

"_Get... GOING"_

"_yes ma'am"_

"_Nonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnon," said Kipper nom-nom style._

"_Give me my bludy earphone said Nosila," said Nosila_

"_That Guy was staring at us" Kipper said pointing at some random dude._

_POOT said Kipper's butt._

"_Thwik" said some guy, jumping over Non's bag._

"_Dya wanna go in the pool" said another guy next to them._

"_Nonnonnonnonnonnonnonnonnon..." Kipper began again. And it continued until Non's finished her next sentence._

"_then Nonny I mean Nosila began to tap her feet," said Nosila_

"_who's Non's" said Non_

"_Yew! Nonny. Nonagon. Nonillion. Non non. Nonasaur" Kipper prattled through the list of nicknames for Nondles._

_Then, a cute bunny approached the group of friends._

Zelda snuck away, just in time to hear Tweedlezant say ""Nawwr! It's a BUNNY!" Nosila said, as she pointed at the bunny." She did not want to hear any more of bunnies. It reminded her too much of Link the White Rabbit and his haunting house. Poor Ralis… why was she still thinking about him? Perhaps it was that fear in his eyes as he looked at her and talked about all the other formerly living things in Link the Rabbit's house. Poor guy… he was still a kid too… like her… Zelda felt a wave of sympathy. She was grateful it was only a wave of sympathy but she wouldn't be surprised if a real wave washed her away.

So anyway she left Tweedlemise and Tweedlezant in the distance telling each other and the creepy vagina looking masks the story of 'Twisties', another crack-fiction made by yours truly. The Author, not Zelda. Zelda seems more of a Romance-Drama writer.

Well anyway Zelda walked on. She walked on and on. She walked on and on and on until she was sure she'd walked a marathon length.

Then she hit her head on a mushroom. It scattered spores which turned a nearby rupee into a rupoor. Zelda was going to pick it up, but thought better of it.

"Hello there," came a voice from a mushroom in the background, "I've been expecting you"

Zelda turned to see a blue caterpillar with woman head and forearms and a long, thick strand of blond hair, which she was smoking.

"I am Impa from Skyward Sword," she said, blowing out smoke so it spelt her name. it even smelt like Impa too. She'd sad Skyward Sword so the readers knew she wasn't Impa from Ocarina of Time or Oracle of Things.

Zelda thought that was sooo cool. "Do that again!"

Impa rolled her eyes. "Very well, what is your name again, Zelda?"

"Zelda!" said Zelda

"Zelduuuh" Impa finished the name by puffing it in smoke. Then took a long puff on her hair-cig.

"Let me try!" said Zelda, snatching Impa's hair-cig away and sucking hard on it.

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT!" cried Impa, fearing giving the poor girl blood poisoning or lung cancer.

Zelda fell over and writhed a bit. Her saliva went all frothy and she couldn't feel her lungs. Suddenly she gave a massive burp and, in smoke, the words "Your fag tastes like bladder mixed with ass-vomit" came out of her mouth. Impa was not amused. Zelda thought it was very funny because all she could see now that the smoke had evaporated was the word ass.

Impa sighed. "I have to go restock my cigarette hair."

She began to crawl away. Like charging up the Midna attack on Twilight Princess, it was pitifully slow.

"Oh, before I go," Impa said, even though she hadn't gone far, about a cm or 2, "Eat the mushroom. The left side makes you grow big, the right side makes you shrink, and the top makes you bliss out."

Zelda ate the left side. Her neck grew so big she could see Link the Rabbit's house from the height it was. She could almost see Ralis. Wait, she could see Ralis… he was still upside down in his fish tank. And there was Link the Rabbit, hanging his moblin rug out to dry after giving it a good wash. And there was the goron table!

Suddenly a bulblin flew over on a huge twilit birdy thing and shouted some very nasty words in Lizalfoe language. One of those words translated to 'nostril'.

"Wraggalagga!" said the Bulblin.

"°ºʊƣȗ❿ⱪ⅜↙₩'ῄʊᾭà↙ȗῄӁ," said the twilit birdy thing in a mixture of Loftwing, Twili, Oocca and Wingding language.

"KLANDIENSKIFISNPIDNOSBEEFEBS" said Zelda. I have no idea what language that is.

Eventually the twilit birdy thing began to scream at her in a horrid shrieky way so Zelda ate some tiny mushroom bit. Not to mention her neck was starting to hurt. She also was finding it hard to swallow even her own saliva.

She went to normal size. Normal Zelda size. So she walked on.

Zelda was thinking of songs when she found a house. It was a hole in a hill and smelt like a sty. The kind that grows on your eye if you rub it too much.

Oo! It could only be a Hobbit Hole!

Zelda entered. Well it was more of a break-in because she had to pry the door open. Inside, it looked like a stereotypical granny cottage. A creepy lady wearing an ominous bonnet sat on a chiar, sorry chair, by a fireplace, holding a bundle which I think had a baby in it, and there was noises of movement in a kitchen nearby. But I don't think they're important enough to include in this story. And the creepiest thing was a half-blue half-purple cat sitting on a nearby beanbag.

"Greetings," said the creepy woman in the bonnet. The baby squealed and Zelda almost dropped a doo. "I am Duchess Ilia"

The creepy woman took off her bonnet to reveal… ILIA! That's right! Twilight Princess's humble Sue: Ilia! And she is a duchess!

"I used to be such a beautiful young woman…" Ilia-

"ITS DUCHESS ILIA!" Duchess Ilia screamed at the Author.

The Author decided to never let Duchess Ilia into one of her stories again. But for now, she had to make doo. After making a doo, she returned to writing.

"I used to be such a beautiful young woman…" DUCHESS Ilia began.

Zelda decided it would be best to sit. There was no way she was going to get out of here without listening to Duchess Ilia's story.

"Damn right shes not," said Duchess Ilia. "Anyway, then one day, these huge ugly monsters on giant boars came and kidnapped me! I was locked away with some grudgity old lady and then I got out and I found this half dead Zoran boy who turned out to be Prince Ralis!"

Zelda felt a shudder as she thought about where he was now…

"So I took him to this bar…" Ilia fell asleep like an old lady.

Zelda was going to ask why she had taken him to a bar but then realised it would be best if he looked like he'd been booze-bingeing rather than Duchess Ilia murdered him.

Duchess Ilia woke up just in time to miss the accidental miss of Duchess in her name a couple of lines up. "Well anyway, the hero Link, not that Din-forsaken rabbit but actual Link, came and rescued me but I'd lost my stupid memory! So the poor sap drags me, the Zoran kid, and bloody Telma all the way across fucking Hyrule because the Doctor said he couldn't do nothing for Ralis, hairy cunt! Well this Renado guy takes us in and makes us all better and then its basically I do nothing for about 34 days and then fucking Link comes back with this ugly slut that's supposed to be the Princess! Come on Link, were you like BLIND or something!? We had something! Well he had his girlfriend, so I took my horse back. Serves him right, he ditches me for a kinky bitch and I get Epona! Man he was crying for me after that! But nope. I just left him to rot. Three days later, Epona went missing. And now here I am. Lonely, with only this baby as my comfort. And that creepy cat."

The cats face twisted into a smile. Zelda felt another chill.

"Well, obviously you're not that fat bitch, so stay as long as you want!" Duchess Ilia concluded.

Zelda did not want to after that story. This Duchess Ilia has a potty mouth. And what was an Epona? Oh right. The horse.

"Sorry Duchess but-"

"ITS DUCHESS ILIA TO YOU MISSY!" screamed Duchess Ilia. "FINE! TAKE THE BABY AND GET OUT! Besides. The Queen is waiting for me at our croquet game!"

Duchess Ilia deposited her baby in Zelda's trembling arms and trotted off at a brisk pace. Zelda went out the back door, still with the baby. She uncovered it to see if it was dynamite like in the cartoons.

It was a pig.

What the Tweedlezant.

Zelda let the pig go. But as she put it down, it transformed into a boy.

"Thank you miss!" said the boy, "Ilia payed the Author to turn me into a pig and use as a baby!"

Zelda began to wonder just what the Author was doing to the lives of these poor souls. Here's the answer: enhancing them.

The little boy, who turned out to be Colin, ran away into the forest to look for the hero Link, not the rabbit. Sadly he found the rabbit and was never heard from again. Link the Rabbit however is now selling Cologne, which he says is his own recipe and smells a lot like the Ordon Province and Kakariko Village, and is making mega bucks. It's called 'Eau de Colin'.

Zelda walked on. Back into the forest.

"Excuse me," came a voice form behind her. This voice was more a female voice, though.

Zelda dared to turn around. She prayed it wasn't another Tweedlezant or Tweedlemise.

The half-blue half-purple cat from before was in the tree grinning.

"Greetings, Mistress Zelda. I am the Cheshire Cat, but you may call me Fi." Said Fi the Cheshire Cat.

Zelda nodded slowly.

"Would you like to hear something interesting?" Asked Fi, turning her head 360°.

Zelda nodded even slower and now with an awkward edge.

"I detect a 100% chance that we are all mad, even you, Mistress Zelda."

Zelda knew that. She didn't need to hear it from a Cheshire Cat.

"Well, if you wish to move forward, my analysis concludes that you must go down this path here." Fi's paw detached itself and pointed to the path. It was a long path. But it looked walkable.

Zelda thought 'stuff it' and walked down it. But not before turning back to Fi.

"If you need me I will be here," Fi's body faded, leaving just her face. Then just her mouth, twisted into a grin.

Zelda, thoroughly spooked, ran down the path.

Then she walked down the path.

Then she strolled down the path.

Then she stopped. Something touched her. A hand. Dear Hylia, thought Zelda, please let it be someone good…

"Greetings, Zelda" a sly voice whispered into her ear. "Come with me"

Zelda cursed Hylia for ignoring her plea. Hylia cursed Zelda for not giving her a break. Perhaps Fi was right. Perhaps they are all mad.

Zelda and the thing that had touched her emerged into a clearing. A table, set up as a tea party, was in the middle. Sitting at it… was a hare. She also saw a fluffy dormouse asleep on one of the plates.

Zelda finally turned around to see what had touched her.

"HELLO THERE!" said the human-ish creature, "I am Ghirahim, but I'm better known as the fabulous Mad Hatter!"

Zelda flinched at the sight of his skin-tight cloak and his pale white skin. The purple eye shadow and the black top hat creeped her out even more. Bright white and tight with a UV light seemed to be his theme. The hat's theme was mad. MAAAD!

Ghirahim err the Mad Hatter strutted over to the table. "This is our t party. But you cannot be here. You're not invited."

Zelda blinked. Of course. She didn't want to be there in the first place.

"Well this is the March Hare," he gestured to the Hare.

"Sup bro," said the March Hare. "I'm The Author AND the March Hare! I'm just MAAAD like that! …actually I ran out of characters."

Both she and the Mad Hatter gave a cackly laugh like on Sims 3. "Oh good show!" said Mad Hatter.

The dormouse woke up. "Daurn't join aurs. We're aurll mad."

The March Hare picked up the dormouse, "This is Kota the Dormouse. She speaks Kotish. I speak bokoblese. BRAH AH AH AHAH AH."

**A/N: Bokoblese is bokoblin language.**

Zelda thought it would be best to leave.

"Hold on, said the March Hare, "you've heard their stories," her voice changed to a death growl, "NOW HEAR OURS…"

"You see," said the Mad Hatter, "We have wronged time. So now its t time forever."

Zelda turned around.

"Hold it," said Ghira Hatter, "We haven't invited you to leave yet. Sit down, drink some t"

Zelda reluctantly sat down next to the March Hare and drank some t. She drank this much t:

ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

"Well, can I leave please?" Zelda said. She drank too much t and now felt sick.

The March Hare patted her own back, "congratulations to me for making such a great t!"

Mad Hatter chuckled ominously, "it would be so much better if Tweedlezant and Tweedlemise were here! They simply love how fabulous our t partys are!"

"they aren't in this story" said the March Hare, who followed it up by cackling like deranged Zant in the boss fight.

Kota went to sleep on March Hare's plate, "Tweedaurlzant's maursk creeps me aurt."

Zelda left. As she was leaving, March Hare called out "If you see Ralis tell him I said hi! If you see Skull Kid remind him he owes me 60 rupees! If you see anyone else have a wonderful day!"

The forest didn't look any different from the first few times she had been through it. It was the same basically, only she was sure Fi the Cheshire Cat was following her.

Then there was a tree with a door in it. Perhaps it was a way out.

Naturally, it wasn't. Zelda was back in the first room. This was just too confusing to comprehend.

Zelda's head exploded. The Author came out of nowhere and put Zelda's head material back together. Then promptly left.

"This is just too weird HEY I've still got some mushroom left! I can go through that bottom door now!"

The key was still on the foam-cube table.

_You got a __**Small Key! **__It can be used to open a locked door, but only in this dungeon._

Zelda began to wonder where that voice came from, then decided it was best not to.

So, she ate the mushroom that made you shrink and shrunk to the size of my toenail. The key surprisingly shrunk too. Zelda unlocked the door and finally made it through to the place she originally intended to go.

To be continued.

Here is a quick break.

Kotas Nightly Summer Camp. On the next episode:

Ash: (bursts from tent) EARTHQUAKE!

(all campers emerge in their jammies grumbling)

Midna: (sits on Kipper's shoulders) thank you! Thank you! No need for so much praise! I'm going to go eat some marmite

Kipper: nope (grabs Midna's 'hair' and pulls her back) no you don't. theres a marmite shortage and we need to conserve every last drop of it.

Kipper: remember, keep your hands on the rope at all times. Trust me. If you let go you'll regret it. Now, blindfolds, DOWN!

(all pull down blindfolds)

Kipper: ok everyone, I will lead you to the rope in alphabetical order. Aaron, you're up first. When you're on the rope, keep going until you reach the end. Bonne chance!

Lucian: whats that loud noise?

Tsubasa: it sounds like a road

Kipper: prepare to enter the underpass

Volkner: its hard to hear you back here. Did you say thunderpath or underpants?

All: WAAAH!

Ash: BIG WAVE!

Kipper: FLASH FLOOD!

Kotas Nightly Summer Camp. Channel 8765.

Back to the story.

Zelda found herself in a garden. It was a huge garden, with red roses everywhere, which some playing cards were painting white.

"You fool! She wanted them red!" said one.

"No you (insert explicit word here), she wanted them white!" said another, which was doing the painting, sitting on a third's shoulders.

_Don't get involved Zelda… _Zelda snuck backwards. Right into something that felt almost human. Zelda braced for the worst.

"idiots, aren't they?" the thing behind her said. "I ask for red roses and they go paint them white"

Zelda guessed it was safe enough to turn around. And when she did, she vowed she was no longer heterosexual.

A beautiful woman-like creature stood behind her (nothing was human in this world. Except maybe the Duchess). She stood a head higher than Zelda, and looked like a Twili, like in the books Zelda read. Except for the huge, heart-shaped scarf or whatever that was around her neck. Out of nowhere, someone started playing the Angel in the Centerfold song. The Author began to clap along and did a jig.

"Greetings, human. I am the Queen of Hearts, but my friends prefer to call me Midna." She purred in a slightly high-toned but luxurious voice. "Would you mind moving over, I need to talk to my minions"

Zelda found she would do most anything for a pretty face… She watched in a moony state as Midna strode past her and faced the playing cards.

"WHAT THE ZANT ARE YOU DOING!?"

At least that was what Midna said, without all the nasty words that had to be deleted because the author would not allow them to be used in her stories. Zelda lost all respect for the hot Queen at that moment.

The Queen of Hearts picked up one of the playing cards and tore it in half. O.O

Zelda raced forward to prevent more cards being murdered. "I'm sure there was a misunderstanding!"

Midna turned her fiery golden gaze to Zelda "so this was YOUR scheming!?"

Zelda flinched, "no, your highness! They must have misheard you!"

Midna glared at both Zelda and the cards evilly.

"Please your majesty!" begged the other two playing cards (which are the Another and the Third from before)

Midna carefully judged the two playing cards, "well, I suppose you two are the smartest I have…"

"Please don't let us be tortured by your mate!" The Third begged.

"You have a King of Hearts?" asked Zelda, now more curious than fearful.

"Well," the Queen of Hearts suddenly became awkward, "the King of Hearts…"

Suddenly, THE AUTHOR strode in. "Midna! The shower's not clogged with hearts any more! Now we can bathe! I don't stink anymore!" The Author sniffed herself. There was a long pause. "I don't stink as much!"

Midna sighed. "The King of Hearts is a she…"

Zelda le-gasped, "THE AUTHOR!? I thought you played the March Hare!"

"I do," said the She-King of Hearts/The March Hare/ The Author, "I'm the King Of Hearts, the March Hare, and DESPI-ITE ALL MY RAGE I'M STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE! And I do-ont understa-and why I slee-eep awll day." the She-King broke off into a song number. It was half Bullet with Butterfly Wings and half No Rain.

Midna gave a giggle, "We had a serious lack of characters… well anyway! How's about a game of croquet?"

Zelda had to agree. She practically had no option. The Queen was violent and the She-King was mad.

So she followed them to the croquet field. Which was in the middle of a Mini-Golf course. Being in the middle of the second-to-last hole, it was designed to be difficult, so the ground was all lumpy.

"Take a mallet, both of you," the Queen instructed both Zelda and the She-King.

Both did as told, then the She-King got distracted by the Mad Hatter and went to gossip about ninjas and scones.

Hold up. This wasn't a mallet. It was a loftwing. They flew every so often over Zelda's house and stole all the cabbages and kings and shat on garages. And this wasn't a ball. It was a tiny rolled-up Goron! Zelda was reminded of Darbus the coffee table. She bowed her head in a moment of respect. Then she thought of Ralis again. He would make a much better King. Though Midna would never see it that way.

The Queen twotted the goron with the loftwing-mallet. It rolled over three hills, under three pegs, across 3 metres of fake-lake, over the 3rd hole of the 3rd mini-golf course, and 3 metres away from the starting line. Hooray for the number 3. So versatile.

"Nice shot," said one of the other players whom Zelda had not noticed and thought was another spectator. "But watch this"

The player whacked the hell out of the goron-ball. It shot through all the pegs and straight over the start line.

O.O faced the Queen. "FOUL! BALL MUST STAY ON THE GROUND! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"Wait! No!" The She-King dragged the poor player away, "YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME! ITS NOT FAAAAIIIII…"

He never got the r of fair in. the last that was heard of him, he was still screaming the i.

Zelda went to whack her own goron-ball when the Queen began calling more players executions. It was very distracting. So many innocent lives lost just to keep Zelda distracted so Midna could win… Midna even thought up stupid excuses like "You can't pick your nose on Tuesday" or "Stop staring at my knockers!"

Zelda was finally about to swing the hell out of the mallet when, "Greetings, Mistress Zelda."

Something was watching her from the bottom jaw of a huge hippo-shaped topiary.

Fi! The Cheshire Cat! "Hey! what are you doing here?!"

Fi purred, "I just wish to see how you are doing. By my calculations I was 70% certain you had left the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. They are a weird sort."

Zelda smiled, "March Hare? The She-King of Hearts, you mean"

Fi also smiled, "The Drag-Queen"

An unamused glare met them both. The She-King had approached. "Yew. Ugleh Kitteh. That's a ma tree. Do what you want on yer own tree but this one's MAHN!"

Fi looked undaunted, "Perhaps you would like to do something about it"

"Perhaps if ah cutta yer head off, then you'll respect ma prawperty." She-King loomed over Fi.

"How can you?" Fi's body disappeared, leaving only her head, "I am but a lonely head."

O.o? faced the She-King. "hey everyone, come check this out."

Everyone crowded around Fi and tried to work out how to cut her head off.

"ZELDA! MY OLD FRIEND!"

O NO… thought Zelda. She knew that voice…

NO! NOT DUCHESS ILIA! I KICKED HER OUT OF THE STORY ABOUT 5 PAGES AGO! The Author contemplated how this could've happened along with working out how to behead a head.

Duchess Ilia approached Zelda. Her hands twiddled fiddly and her right eye kept twitching.

"Greetings Duchess Ilia…" Zelda greeted very reluctantly.

"HELLO Zelda. How's the baby?"

Zelda was not sure how to answer the question. The baby was a boy named Colin who was transformed into a pig. Zelda had let him go, as mentioned about 5 pages ago.

"You released him, didn't you…" Duchess Ilia looked unamused.

"Well uh…"

"GET OFFA MA PROPERTY!" came a shriek which for once wasn't followed by 'off with its head'. The Queen ran up waving her arms wildly. "SHOO! SHOO!"

Duchess Ilia gave a nasty hiss of disgust and fled through the hedge.

Midna stopped in front of Zelda. "Nasty little creature. I would behead it, but the rules here says you can't kill an endangered species…"

In the background, the She-King gave a snorty laff, drunk off her ass from her own laughs.

The Queen turned back to Alice I mean Zelda. Sorry folks, wrong story. I meant to say Zelda but I was thinking about Alice. Anyway, The Queen turned back to Zelda. "Well since you're here, visit the Mock Turtle and here his story"

"Whats a mock turtle?" asked Zelda

"You know? I don't know…" the Queen trailed off. "perhaps its what mock turtle soup is made of"

In the background, Fi the Cheshire Cat made a do doo doo tssh sound implying a pun. Neither Zelda nor the Queen got it.

"Well anyway," the Queen continued, "he has an interesting story"

Zelda had had enough stories for one day. First, at Link the Rabbit's house with the dead Zora and the goron table, then Twisties with Tweedlezant and Tweedlemise. Then freekin DUCHESS ILIA'S GODDESS DAMN STORY… then Colin. Then the story of the Mad Hatter and the March Hare/She-King. Then the Ad break had that story, well more of a ONE advert but it still counted. And now Zelda had to hear another story!? From a Mock Turtle Soup without the Soup but with the Mock Turtle nonetheless.

"Go." Said the Queen. "And have a gryphon"

A gryphon flew down out of nowhere. Actually… "Greetings! My name is Ooccoo!" … it was not a gryphon at all. It was an Oocca. Like in those other stories Zelda read. The half-cucco half-woman mutants.

"All out of gryphons?" the Queen asked.

"Sorry, your majesty" said Ooccoo.

Then the She-King strutted over and wrapped her arms around Midna for balance. "Majesty?! Whats with the majesty? The only thing she's majestic in is SEX. Then she's a freakin DEMON!"

The She-King vomited, from all the t she drunk at the t party, all over the Mad Hatter's shoes, who was standing behind Midna creeper-style. All he could say was "the texture is good, but the projectiling needs a little work." To which the She-King retorted "Stay away from my wife!" She then swung at the Mad Hatter, missed, and fell in her own vomit.

Ooccoo leapt onto Zelda's head. "Just jump out of a tree and I will fly you anywhere.

Zelda began to ponder how Ooccoo's tiny little body could lift Zelda's huge one when the She-King stood up, drenched in her own vomit. She placed a hand on Zelda's shoulder. "be careful Zelda. The Mock Turtle is known for being a notorious tool. Be careful what you believe. A bit of life advice here: never trust anyone or they will turn their backs on you and leave you lying in a pool of you own vomit trying to redeem yourself. And now there's only time to say I love you so very… much…"

The She-King collapsed. Her snores told Zelda that poor Author was unconscious. How am I writing this story? We'll just never know.

Then SHOOF! Zelda leapt off a tree and Ooccoo flew her away. Do you know how hard it is to type Ooccoo in a rush?! Little author rant there.

Then they arrived at the Mock turtle's place. It was by a beach for some reason. Hey! This was the same place where the Fairy-mouse Navi was! And all those animals! And the Dodo that Nonny liked so much that wasn't in this story! They weren't here now. Only the mock turtle. And he smelt bad, like week-old turtle soup made in sea water. Which wasn't too bad compared to the other smells Zelda smelt here. For example, the She-King covered in vomit, or Link the Rabbit's nuggets on the moblin rug, or Duchess Ilia, or the Caucus race.

Ooccoo sat in the background on a rock. "Go on!"

"Hello," said the Mock Turtle. "I am the mock turtle, but you can call me Malo."

Zelda looked at this mock turtle. It looked at her. A turtle with a cow body but a human head. A human who believed she was still feeling the effects of Impa the Caterpillar's hair-cig. Two of a kind. YAHTZEE!

"So, have you come to hear my story or share your own?" the Mock Turtle said, lifting his head. "I haven't got all day."

"can I share with you my story?" asked Zelda.

"Go ahead," said Malo, "it's not like I have anything else to do. It's so hard to walk as a turtle. Couldn't I have been something cool like a jabberwocky?"

Zelda began. Long story short, it went like this.

One day she was walking and fell down a rabbit hole. Then she cried and it flooded and then she met Navi the Fairy-mouse.

"Ugh," snarled Malo, "I hate that little rat!"

Ooccoo came to join them, "I think I might like to listen to this!"

Then, Zelda continued, she had been TRAPPED IN LINK THE RABBITS HOUSE…

"GRACIOUS!" exclaimed Ooccoo, flapping her piddly little wings, "how did you get out!?"

Zedla went on again. She told them of Tweedlezant and Tweedlemise, of Impa the smoking blue caterpillar, of freekin DUCHESS ILIA, Colin, Fi, The Mad Hatter and the March Hare, of the ad break, of the Queen of Hearts and her She-King, and of getting here. Then she sat back and let her story sink in. she actually told the full story but because I don't want to repeat myself I shortened it.

"Whoa…" said Malo, "that was an odd adventure"

"you must be mad to survive that!" said Ooccoo.

Zelda nodded to Malo the Mock Turtle, "now its you turn"

"Well," he began, "my story goes like this"

Ooccoo suddenly started to flap wildly. "Ooh! Can I tell mine first?"

Zelda looked at the half-woman half-cucco, "Yeah all right."

"It was a dark and terrible night. I was sitting in my house in the City In the Sky when my son rushes in and says "Mama! There's a terrible creature outside!"so I walk outside and what is there but a HUGE creature! It was half-man half-bear half-pig, but not only that, it had giant wings! It wasn't a manbearpig, it wasn't a dragon, it was a jabberwocky!"

Zelda blinked. She had heard a bit of the Manbearpig and she knew a bit about dragons but nothing about a Jabberwocky

Ooccoo continued "the jabberwocky screamed "I AM GANONDORF! I WILL BURN YOUR KINGDOM AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME YOUR LAND!" then I saw the mark on his paw. It was the triforce! You know! The mystical thing from the overworld!"

The Overworld must be Zelda's world. And the name Ganondorf seemed familiar too. Wasn't he that guy who was sealed in the Four Sword out the back of Zelda's house? Well he must've escaped to here. Zelda prayed she would never have to meet Ganondorf the Jabberwocky.

"Well, I rushed back inside and hid my son so the Jabberwocky wouldn't eat him. Then I rushed out and confronted him. I said "Jabberwocky you cannot eat our children or burn our city down! We are in the sky! There's too much moisture in the air to breathe fire!"

"he looked back at me and said "I have the triforce of power! I can do ANYTHING! Including rule your land. I AM YOUR MASTER!" and then he blew fire at me!

"Well, I was not going to stand for that! Gracious no! I leapt up and kicked him in the face! He roared with anger and swung his paw at me! Sadly, it hit me and I fell out of the sky and into Lake Hylia.

"I swam around for a bit when I was suddenly approached by a strange fish person. He said he was the prince of the Zoras"

"RALIS!" Zelda exclaimed with 3 exclamation marks.

"Yes that's it!" continued Ooccoo, "well he said that he couldn't get me back but knew someone who could. So we swam to the spirit spring and waited there. But then he burst in and attacked us! and then I was here."

Malo stretched his head, "my turn! Well, I was in my shop, doing the usual chores when suddenly the jabberwocky crashed through my roof. It said "you Malo?" I said "yeah I am, what's it to you? Why the dark world did you crash through my roof?!" the Jabberwocky picked me up and the next thing I remember is I was here. I walked for a while. I met Tweedlezant and Tweedlemise, I socked that rabbit in the mouth, then a caterpillar told me I should look at life with a bit more vigour and some creepy Duchess told me to make her some soup or something. I did cause I had no choice. But I fell into the soup and she kicked me out. I wound up here, where I mutated when I touched the sea water."

Zelda gulped, "Where's the Jabberwocky?"

Malo shrugged, "we shouldn't worry. He would be looking for more power. Apparently a girl called Zelda has the triforce of wisdom."

Zelda looked at her hand. No triforce. Zelda looked at her other hand. Well look at that! There was a triforce mark after all!

Zelda stared blankly at it. "How can I possess great wisdom but still arrive in this world?"

The Cheshire Cat, who was in the background and had remained unnoticed the whole time, piped up. "perhaps even the triforce is mad"

Malo nodded, "it must be to let a jabberwocky take its power"

"actually," Fi turned her creepy perv smile to Malo, "at the time, he was simply the Gerudo ruler"

"We're all mad," said Ooccoo.

Suddenly a screen came on in the sky and the symbol of the Capitol appeared followed by a note that said "Under New Management" and the She-King appeared.

"Attention everybody! There is going to be a trail I mean trial! Get your hairy lumps to the courtroom before I get the Byrne-dersnatch to kick them there! Over and out"

The same things that appeared at the start of the screen played again.

"Gracious! I don't want to miss this!" Ooccoo leapt up.

Fi disappeared "see you there, Mistress Zelda"

Malo the Mock Turtle slipped into the sea, "I'll go my way. See ya Zelda."

Zelda grabbed Ooccoo the gryphon and flew back to the Queen of Hearts's lair.

DOO DO LOO DO LOO DOO LOOOO!

(Batman style transition)

Zelda came to the courtroom. Everyone was seated on the floor in a ring in a middle of an empty room. Some guy made of gold with 6 arms stood in the middle. Behind the circle, the Queen and She-King of Hearts sat on chairs behind the circle. Both of them sat on 3 chairs each (the chairs were stacked BTW).

"Knave of Hearts. Also known as Koloktos. Did you or did you not steal the Queen's tarts?"

"I DID NOT." Said Koloktos in a rather robotic like voice. "HOW COULD YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH MISDEEDS."

"SILENCE!" screamed the Queen, "call your first witness!"

The Mad Hatter stood up. "Your majesty, yesterday I was walking around when I saw a giant mushroom. It looked just like your tart but only a smoking caterpillar was on it. The caterpillar told me about donuts. Aren't they delicious?"

"Motion carried" said the She-King, banging a random gavel on some guy's head.

Then, it was Malo the Mock Turtle's turn. "Your majesty and your royal madness, I request a recess"

"Yay! Recess!" cried the She-King. Malo the Mock Turtle left. The She-King called after him "Bring me some Kakariko-Fried Cucco while you're out!"

Link the Rabbit stood up. "Your honour!" Someone threw a brick at him.

The She-King turned to Zelda, "why are you standing up? Come over here! You might know something!"

Zelda went and stood next to Koloktos.

"QUESTION ONE!" called the She-King, "Whats my middle name?"

"is it…" Zelda thought for a moment.

"TOO SLOW! Its hare. She-King March Hare of Hearts. Better known as The Author."

The Mad Hatter ate some orange slices. Then he exploded into diamonds. Then appeared behind Zelda saying "GOOD SHOW!"

"Question two!" the She-King fell asleep like an old person.

Then, Link the Rabbit returned. "YOUR MAJESTIES! I HAVE A LETTER!"

The Queen received the letter. "its from the Knave of Hearts! And made out of fairy wings…"

Link the White Rabbit looked around, shifty eyed. "I guess I'm not the only one who abuses fairies."

"It says 'Roses are red. Violets are blue. Shadow Link is purple. I stole the queens tarts. Link the White Rabbit is awesome and innocent. Amen.' that proves it!"

The She-King woke up. "Yes! It was you!" though she had no idea who she meant by who.

The Queen stood up. "OK KOLOKTOS! KNAVE OF HEARTS!"

"This is your chance!" Zelda heard Nayru whisper in her ear from Goddessland. "now's your chance to frame that rabbit!"

"Why?" Zelda whispered

"I hate that rabbit!" said Nayru "he stole the triforce of courage! If Farore finds out…"

"If I find out what?" came another voice.

Suddenly Zelda stopped hearing the happenings of Goddessland.

"STOP!" she called, "isn't it obvious?! Koloktos doesn't use fairy-wing paper! He uses leaves!"

The whole room gasped. Even the windows held their breath.

The Queen grew man I mean mad sorry. "I had hopes for you Zelda. I thought you might be worth having as a slave. But no. OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

The She-King gave a war cry. It was a strange mix of deranged Zant, angry Ganondorf and the Postman's HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

Suddenly the roof and walls of the room turned into playing cards. Zelda knew what she had to do. Kill them all. Like Nayru implied. Zelda ate a Mario Mega Mushroom and grew HUGE. The cards swarmed over Zelda. They got inside her clothes. Which was very awkward but they could attack her better there.

"Hah. You can't hurt me" she swatted them all away like a huge fly swat and emptied out her pants. "you're just a bunch of playing cards"

But then they swamped her and she suffocated.

And there, my friends, is where we end the story.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Suddenly all the cards were knocked away. Something had a flamethrower. It blew all the cards into ash. The She-King was like "Oh no, ma gumballs!"

Zelda shrunk. There. In front of her, was Ralis. Wasting the hell out of the playing cards.

"Leave Zelda alone!" he cried, smashing his way through the dying bodies and reaching Zelda. He grabbed her hand and dragged her away. "Run!"

They ran. For a while they were being chased by the spirit of the Queen of Hearts and what was left of her army, as well as half of the Plunderland inhabitants, Duchess Ilia included.

As they ran, Skull Kid, carrying the goron table and the Moblin Rug, joined them. And so did Ooccoo the Gryphon and Malo the Mock Turtle, who carried Impa the Caterpillar.

"If we make it to Beedle we'll be right!" called Impa, "he's always been a good guy!"

The group ran and ran. Ran all over Plunderland. Being chased by the Queen and her army.

Finally, they sheltered in a cave. The army ran past outside, like in the cartoons. Everyone in the cave was so relieved they began to hug. Zelda could almost feel it herself. In fact, she could.

"Oh Zelda," it was actually Ralis, "you gave me hope. I saw your head being attacked by that twilit bird thing and I knew I had to escape. And I did! And I found you! Oh Zelda, don't leave me again…"

Zelda was overcome with love for the Zora. She embraced him. And then everything went all romantic. Ooccoo and Malo hugged it out. Impa sat in the background feeling lonely and smoked her hair. Skull Kid hugged the Goron table. The Moblin rug sat there and did rug stuff. For now, everyone was ok.

Suddenly a giant foot came down from the sky and smooshed them all.

"AAA!" yelped Zelda.

She had woken up back in her home at the Knight Academy in Skyloft. It was all a dream. How anti-climactic. Well thanks to that, she now has an adverse fear of feet, white rabbits wearing people clothes, duchesses and playing cards.

She got up to get ready for the day. She got dressed and had a shower. Then at the same time, the Goddesses collectively slapped the Author for making the ending of the story so boring.

Then Zelda was in the kitchen.

"Hey Link!" she turned to her friend, who had only just got up and dressed and hadn't even showered yet.

"WHAT?" said Link. Pissed off as usual because Groose had left a chuchu in his bed. Yesterday it was a rupee. Link had thought he struck lucky and Groose was secretly saying sorry but it was a rupoor and Link cried for 3 hours because Groose gives him this kind of shit all the time.

"Wanna hear my strange dream?" Zelda said, trying to cheer Link up.

Link sat down and grabbed the carton in front of him. "Yeah why not?" he began to drink.

Groose, who was sitting opposite Zelda, gave a laff. "I know I would like to hear it!"

Zelda instantly saw Groose was staring at her endowments again. She through the Pumpkin-O's at him. Link laughed so hard that Octorok-Milk came out his nose.

Groose got all mad and exploded. Then Ghirahim came in and killed everybody.

2 years later, the events of Skyward Sword happened.

Link.

Link.

LINK!

LIIINK!

Link looked around.

"Quit sniffing that medicine!"

Midna (in imp form) slapped Wolf Link over the head. They had to get Ilia's memory back so they could get the last mirror shard!

"Midna!" Link snapped out of his stoned state, "I just had the weirdest dream! It was about Zelda and she was eating cereal! And you were there! You were this crazy Queen of Hearts! And Ilia was there! She was a Duchess! And she was a bitch! I love our Ilia though. But I was dreaming!"

"You still are," said Midna, floating back into a Moblin she morphed inside it and they became one.

"It's finally happened Link," said the Midnoblin, "You've gone mad!"

Link gasped.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

…

…

…

The end.

…

…

…

By the March Hare/the She-King of Hearts/the Author


End file.
